the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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