I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
