trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
