between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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