Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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