I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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