I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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