I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
