Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She announced her abortion via fbk
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize