After last night, I could never be a politician.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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