Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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