I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
