I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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