He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
