and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
