He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
