at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
