When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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