I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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