I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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