sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
