So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
