you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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