Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
