it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
