It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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