Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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