apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
