Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
