Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I fill condoms, not promises.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
