Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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