just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
