3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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