I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
