The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
