You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
