I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
