He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Randomize
