thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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