giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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