I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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