Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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