How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
