My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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