chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
