I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
