You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
