i don't like sucking hair
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
