I will die if light touches me.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
