Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
