Your mouth is God's brothel.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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