He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
