a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
