So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
