I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
