Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
