I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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