I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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