Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
