that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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