Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
