shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
